Heidi

Every day with Heidi I see a little miracle before me – sometimes one which drives me insane, but always with love. Days like today make me fully appreciate that miracle. My friends little dog has been braving cancer and using CV247. Today she died.

I feel so sad for my friend – she put everything into helping her brave Bronte. A relationship is naturally intense when nursing is involved and when that ends what is there? An emptiness which you feel that only that loved one can fill? A stillness. A sense of unreality. Maybe a sense of incredible connection with the one who has just left you – I hope so.

These creatures who share our lives burrow into our hearts and never really leave. They cast off their overcoats and may leave the physical realm, but they inhabit the wellspring of our hearts.

Travel well little Bronte. You are greatly loved.

R & H

Today is a new day and HRH is so much brighter. We took her to the vet last night just to ensure that we hadn’t missed something. I was pretty upset as I had to carry Heidi out to the van and then into the surgery, and even when she was at her worst last year she always managed to walk – even after her operation. However, little minx started to perk up as soon as I put her onto the vet bed at the vets and started to move around the room, stepping on and off the scales and stepping over the dangling cables. Gradually the twinkle returned to her eyes and she put on a clear demonstration that no blood tests were necessary thank you very much!

Vet Sarah gave her a thorough check up; temperature was fine, heart was good, lungs were clear, no more lumps and bumps, back appeared to be tight, but then that’s pretty much situation normal. We went through our regime and diet, but still no clues. Sarah concluded that she’d possibly strained her back so gave us 2 remedies; Arnica for the evening, and Hypericum in case a different one was required.

We were in there for a good hour and only charged £80 (including the remedies). I mention this on the back of last night’s TV programme about Vets Undercover and unnecessary charges from a vet chain MediVet. We came out feeling confident that there was nothing seriously wrong with Heidi and that remedies and rest would help her back on her feet.

Heidi went straight to her bed when we got home and slept more. She looked flat again but was at least more mobile. I warmed her food, which she ate happily. We were beginning to have a suspicion that she’d got a chill on her kidneys. The fur over her kidneys had become more curly the day before and she had been feeling relatively chilly, so we stuck extra blankets over her cool bed and gave her more healing and TTouch. I’m currently boiling up some pearl barley to make some barley water for her, which I know is a great tonic for the kidneys.

This morning? 5am she was still on her cool bed and managed to come out for a wee – it took some effort to get up and go out, and squatting looked uncomfortable, but her tail looked happier. 9am she was on the sofa but less interested in coming off to greet anyone, and certainly wasn’t coming to the bottom of the stairs to give me my ritual greeting. However, she was keen to go out for a walk a short time later, accompanied by her happy “hurry-up” barks  and metronome tail was back to its usual position. When we got back she hopped up onto the sofa, which was a sight for sore eyes – she’s been a firm ground dweller for 24 hours.

And now? She’s back to being my shadow, a slightly less active one, but there and happy to follow Meg’s lead at barking at the deliverymen.

Just for today, look at your companion and give appreciation for their uniqueness. Even when they are driving you insane with their antics take a small step back and savour the moment. I have just had 24 hours of concern about my little colliedog. In the last 20 months I have grown to love her so very much. For any of you which are living with that concern from day to day know that your love will get you through. Each moment is perfect. Look at the animal in front of you, look into their eyes and hold their love. Fear has no place where love resides.

Thank you everyone for your wishes, your love and your healing. We are never alone.

Rachael, Demetri, Heidi, Meg, Kugel, Tig and Moley (who would still like to sit on Heidi when she’s unwell)

Feeling peelywoll

Heidi is “under the weather” today. Her metronome tail was without rhythm on our walk this morning and she looked slightly roached. Her cheesy Soloxine was taken without interest, but taken nonetheless and she ate her breakfast ok. Her whole energy feels very flat.

Heidi has avoided off days like this so well. Yes, I’m concerned although I’m not worried. Demetri is now home doing the orders so that I can sit with her to do some TTouch and some healing with her. I’m hoping that the TT will establish where she’s feeling uncomfortable and help her to relax, although she is asleep on her coolbed now, it’s a semi-aware kind of sleep. The fact that she has eaten and is not wittering indicates that she is relatively comfortable.

It’s easy to get used to her feeling bright and bonny. I feel terrible that I moaned at her last night for getting under my feet – she loves to be where I am. I’m sorry little one. She looks so small in her bed.

I have been reminded today of the fear involved when cancer is suspected. It’s so natural. When a loved one has been unwell and the practitioner suggests that there may be something cancerous our hearts stop. The world slows down and an air of unreality settles over us. The world is moving but you are standing still. Reality shifts. The meaningless things in life suddenly become just that and love expands all around you, but especially to the person in question. Before there was plenty of time but now, who knows how much there is. A sense of urgency descends.

I was spared this with Heidi. I had no previous relationship with her as she came to me already very ill with cancer, a heart full of love but also fearfulness, and a body worn with illness. I knew she was ill and I also knew that her prognosis was poor, even though I also suspected that she could be well and this suspicion was stronger than the thought of losing her. It makes such a difference knowing where you stand right at the beginning. Had it been Meg, my beloved Meggie, I would have been totally beside myself. I have pictured us walking together side-by-side for many years to come and to have that image stolen is unimaginable. To not have her by my side is too painful to contemplate.

A family member had a cancer scare recently and it brought so much into sharp focus. The missed moments, the words left unsaid. How do you tell someone how much you love them without them thinking, “Ooh! I’m being written off here.”? Simple. Tell them you love them. Forgive anything. Speak the unspoken. Share the missed hugs.

I hope that Heidi’s story inspires you. She did much of the work herself – she was the one who decided to go on and to become well. Without her input none of this wellness would have happened. If you are facing this journey, you are not alone in making the decisions. Your companion will guide you, even if it’s to say, “I’m sorry, I’m too tired, I really can’t go on. I’m ready to go.” but love gives our animals such strength, and can help them through the toughest of obstacles – including parting.

If I were to make any suggestions of how to cope with cancer in my dog they would be these:-

1. Find one of the many reputable communicators out there (please go by recommendation or instinct) to help you discover your dog’s wishes. You may be surprised with what they come out, and they will almost certainly make you laugh.

2. Find a vet who you trust and who will work with you as a valuable team member rather than a nuisance owner. If you feel you aren’t involved in the treatment your dog will too. It’s easy to be involved. Never be afraid to get second opinions. Never be afraid to find another vet when you have the diagnosis. You need to know that there is someone supportive at the end of the telephone when you need them – especially in the middle of the night. Your trusted vet may be over an hour away, but no local vet will turn you away in an emergency to tide you over until you can see your regular one.

3. Keep a journal. Writing down notes from consultations, responses to medication and recording your emotions, no matter what they are, helps. I remember reaching a point of sleep deprivation when I was sleeping with Heidi every night that I had no idea what time of day or which day it was, let alone how HRH had responded to a remedy last week!

4. Check out natural diets. A balanced natural diet places far less strain on the organs than most processed foods. Your dog needs to have the resources available to produce an immune reponse (if you are going along the CV247 route) and good, appropriate nutrition is a good place to start.

5. If your friends want to help, accept it. Pride has no place here! Seeing someone you care about struggling is so hard – people will either help or they won’t and the only way to find out is to accept any that is offered. Make a list of things which could help you – ironing, some meals for the freezer, someone to take the kids or the other animals out for a while. Anything. A great idea is to write them onto slips of paper and to put them in a bowl – your friends can do lucky dip and you can be surprised!

6. Use your intuition/ gut feeling. If something feels wrong your dog will pick up on it and will act accordingly. Keep on going until something feels right. Others may try to persuade you otherwise, but stick with it. You know if your dog is suffering, and you’ll  know this better than anyone else.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself. You will be unable to do everything. Enjoy the journey. It may be a roller-coaster sometimes, but no ounce of love ever gets wasted.

Blessed be.

Rach and Heidi.

This hot weather is both wonderful and a cause for concern as Heidi’s heart really struggles when she gets warm. We feel we have it pretty sussed now as she has a Canine Cooler which goes with us to most places.

Cooling down after a walk

We tend to cart it around with us so that she has somewhere really comfortable to go in the house when she needs to cool off quickly but the most important one for me is travelling in the van as it can be so hard to regulate the temperature, especially when sitting in a traffic jam. The Cool Bed fits snugly in her crate and she has a piece of VetBed that she can manoeuvre around inside her crate so if she wants a bit of extra comfort it’s there on hand (or paw).

With the benefit of hindsight it may be that Heidi’s hyperactive behaviour yesterday was caused by feeding her late after her Solixine dose in the morning which may have caused ther thyroid levels to be unbalanced.  She is meant to have food 1 hour after her Soloxine dose, but it was about 2 1/2 hours yesterday as I had nodded off. Yesterday evening she was quite settled again and today is snoozing peacefully in her bed having had food at the alloted time following her thyroid medication. We shall see if it happens again.

Heidi had a slight wobble a couple of nights ago when both of her hind legs cramped up. This hasn’t happened for some months and I do not understand why it did. Demetri had noticed that her hind action was different on her evening walk, then about 3/4 hour later she started yelping and biting her back legs and feet. What followed felt filled with ease as Demetri immediately went for the homeopathic remedies and ensured that Meg was out of the room so that she felt no compulsion to quiet Heidi.

Heidi was really struggling as her toes curled back and she could only sit as standing caused evident discomfort. She couldn’t put weighton her hindlegs and she would stagger when trying to walk, but was easily encouraged to be close to me where I gave her loads of Ttouch over her hind legs, ears and face. There was such an incredible sense of calm even though she was in pain. I have no idea where it came from but it was tangible and I am grateful for it.

She kept looking into my eyes with such a worried expression. The Aconite was given to help her cope with her feelings of panic, the Arnica to cope with the pain while we found the Calc Syl which when it did appear was for the cramp itself. It took about an hour before she was more settled and possibly a further hour before everything was back to normal and she was her usual self again.

We ended up on the kitchen floor while Demetri made mugs of hot chocolate and Mannie (16) read us interesting snippets from Schott’s Miscellany sitting on top of Meg’s food stool (which apparently felt like a commode!). She was very peaceful while receiving lots of healing aorund her hips and knees and even noddedoff at one point. It was such a wonderful feeling to be so supported and surrounded still with calm. My girls are so fortunate to be as loved and adored by those around them as they are. They have both crept into others hearts and I am grateful.

Subsequently, Heidi has moved up a notch and is behaving like an adolescent. Meg is very much the ”grown up” in the partnership now and looks on quite disdainfully sometimes. This morning Heidi reversed up the hallway at full tilt barking very excitedly for no apparent reason beyond general exuberance. She is so wired at the moment that I put her t-shirt on her to see if we can get a little more calm from her. I suspect a long walk is called for but I will need to warm her muscles up properly first to ensure that the cramp doesn’t return.

Heidi really is extraordinary.

Heidi had a check up at the vets today as it is some months since she’s been.

Sue was delighted with her and couldn’t stop herself from beaming! Her whole energy has changed; as Sue put it, if Heidi is in the room you know about it as she fills it. Before you may not have known she was there. Certainly I know when she’s not in a room as soon as I walk into it.

The best news – Heidi’s heart murmur was previously graded a 5/5 which is about as serious as it gets. This has been down-graded to a 2 or 3 and the margins of the heart are now clearly defined. I am so delighted with this news and I have no idea which bit of her regime has created this change – it could be the neem, turmeric, cretageous, diet, exercise, love, stability or the little mouse who comes to charm her in the night. A change is a change and I shall just continue as we are thank you.

There is no evidence of any changes with her little “grape seed” or the fatty lumps. After considering how very clingy she is on Conium plussing day Sue has suggested we reduce the dosing rate to 2 two hours apart and to keep an eye on her lumps & bumps. Health wise Heidi is doing really well.

She is such a madam sometimes. She has taken to disappearing into our neighbours garden to eat the birdfood off the lawn. When she has finished she pushes through the hedge only to disappear in a random direction, but usually either finds us or goes home. Yesterday she attached herself to a pair of legs and it was only when they went straight on instead of turning off that she realised they weren’t our legs, but took the turning anyway and waited for Demetri to catch up. Heidi can really put on a pace when trotting; it’s very hard to catch her up, even running and Meg often has no mind to run too which adds to the game. Her Flexi died a death which I was very disappointed with as Heidi is no puller and she’d only had it for 6 weeks. We have reverted to using a lead and harness as the harness is great for catching hold of in a hurry as she scurries past you – we have to be mindful of making a grab for her as it can make her quite anxious so the equipment is a real boon.

Sue also commented on how dark her face has become. Her “blue merle” colouring on her head is very much darker than it was and makes me wonder if it was just grey from ageing, but now she’s reversing her ageing process she’s gone dark again!!

We took Meg in with us to see Sue so that she could have the experience of being in there without being the centre of attention. She was wonderful and even licked Sue’s face while she was trying to listen to Heidi’s heart! It was so good to see her feeling relaxed at the vets. Sue noted that Meg would find it hard to lose Heidi. It was then that I fully appreciated how close Meg has become to HRH. She has been the kind of creature who either loves completely or is suspicious for the rest of her days. She has had the experience of sharing her life with this extraordinary collie called Heidi who has shown her another way and gradually she has gone from quiet acceptance to deep love. Indeed in the last few weeks she has been inviting Heidi to play with her and they both enjoy a little mutual bottom sniffing.

I’m unable to think about the day when either of them leaves. My focus is on them as they are now, doing what I can to help them make the most of each day, to appreciate what they do to help me to make the most of each day and just enjoy the love which moves between us all.

Rx

I’m going to claim this as a result of my age, but I realised today that Heidi has been 13 for rather a long time and after some quiet pondering appreciated that it’s more than a year since I heard that she was this age.

From today, Heidi is officially 14! It’s a weird emotional leap for me but to her it’s just another day. I have never kept company with a fourteen year old dog let alone one who’s been given such a wonderful extension to her expected span. Why do we get hang-ups about age? I verged on a crisis at 30 thinking my life hadn’t gone to plan as I’d not had children yet. At 40 there was the quiet acceptance that this was something not meant to be. 46 came with the revelation that actually I was now sharing my life with 3 teenage boys – regardless of the number of days each week it is still a joyous event. It was almost certainly a blessing that I didn’t have babies – I’m rubbish on disturbed sleep!

Living within each moment as a gift & keeping eyes wide open you see so much more than living waiting for something to arrive. If you are in the habit of looking forward to an event or thinking that happiness can’t happen until something else does, when the moment arrives that it DOES happen you’ll almost certainly miss it because you are in the habit of looking forward as opposed to looking at or being with.

The early days with Heidi taught me to be very much in the moment. It was pointless looking ahead as I had no concept of what ahead may be. I would have been astounded if anyone had told me categorically that she would be as strong and healthy as she is now, and maybe disbelieving. But, here we are with her tucked up behind me snoring gently just waiting for my return to the sofa so that she can hop up beside me to rest her head on my lap, waggle her eyebrows at me and nudge my hand onto her head for tickles.

Her age is remarkable. Her will to live is remarkable. The people who have helped her to this point are remarkable & have my eternal gratitude. Heidi is fourteen from today.

Blessed be.

R x